My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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