make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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