No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
