I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
