I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just want to make out with him forever
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.