I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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