I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.