For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
