I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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