Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
