If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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