If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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