remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
