So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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