I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
