"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
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I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
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Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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