I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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