Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
