How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
