She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
