explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
