Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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