this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
