I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
