I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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