I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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