The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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