The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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