maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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