my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
