You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
