Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
