I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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