My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
