i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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