just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
