My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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