there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
