I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
did i walk over a car last night?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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