i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
And then my night got REAL pukey
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
