Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
