Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
