I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
