My first STD was from a foam party
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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