I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
