Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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