chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
