I wish my penis had an off switch
look no pants
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
