Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize