he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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