A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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