There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
