I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
