well I can't set my house on fire every night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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