I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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