Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
